Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize