the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
