you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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