All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
