her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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