u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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