Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Randomize
