I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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