Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
