She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
