it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
