Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
