Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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