My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
