I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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