Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Randomize
