man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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