i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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