He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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