The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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