You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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