Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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