Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
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