btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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