I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
