I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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