my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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