You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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