just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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