So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
