last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
My cat gives me a boner
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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