I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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