Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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