Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Randomize
