maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize