Life is so much better after having sex.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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