I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
