R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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