You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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