I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
