My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
