I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
