thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Randomize
