May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
