At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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