i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
