oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
