Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
