he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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