I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
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