do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
