I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
