if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
that is very illegal...i love you.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
