I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
