Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
